Prison Mark meet Prison Mike

Keeping in mind that Bell might not end up in the clink (sentencing is in October) what can he expect if he does end up serving some hard time? Thankfully, Michael Scott has the answer:

The nutritional value of gruel sandwiches might make it tough for Bell to stay in shape.

National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

This is a new Monday feature that I will be putting up every Monday. It's brought to you by National Lampoon and it's a funny look at the world of sports. Let me know if you guys enjoy it.

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Three-time boxing champion James Toney has tested positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when his head couldn't fit through the ropes.

USA Today reported that 48% of Americans have played organized basketball, and the rest have played for the Knicks. The paper also reported that 1% of French athletes 11-years-old and under have already used performance enhancing drugs. The others just drink wine like they're supposed to.

Enrique Iglesias just released a new album entitled "Insomniac." If you shared a bed with Anna Kournikova, you wouldn't want to sleep much either.

Dikembe Mutombo, Edgar Martinez and Kyle Petty were inducted to Boise, Idaho's World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Most overheard comment? "You've got a funny accent."

Speaking of humanitarians, Cavs forward Ira Newble recently met with 15 Darfur refugees living in Cleveland. That's the first time anyone has ever been excited to move to Cleveland.

Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice after being shot in the groin with a paintball. Too bad he didn't get shot in a less sensitive part of his body, like his head.

The Yankees made history by signing two 19-year-old players from China's baseball association. It was mainly historical because the Yankees signed pitchers that weren't close to retirement. The Yankees were hoping to get another 38-year-old, but two 19-year-olds will do.

And speaking of young, Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, this time for impregnating the 17-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. Dukes swears she looked 18 – which would make her the 18-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. And that's TOTALLY okay.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Everybody Loves Toronto

From the same guy that brought us the mockery of a survey that ESPN released Mirtle dug up a players survey from The Hockey News. Here are some highlights:

If you could play for any NHL team (other than your own), which would you choose?

1. Toronto Maple Leafs (34) 14.4%
2. New York Rangers (29) 12.3%
3. Detroit Red Wings (19) 8%
4. Los Angeles Kings and Vancouver Canucks (18) 7.6%
5. Dallas Stars (15) 6.3%
6. Colorado Avalanche and Montreal Canadiens (14) 5.9%
7. Minnesota Wild and Tampa Bay Lightning (10) 4.2%
8. Phoenix Coyotes (9) 3.8%
9. Calgary Flames (8) 3.4%
10. Anaheim Ducks and Florida Panthers (5) 2.1%
11. Nashville Predators, Ottawa Senators and Pittsburgh Penguins (4) 1.7%
12. Chicago Blackhawks, Philadelphia Flyers and San Jose Sharks (3) 1.2%
13. Boston Bruins and Buffalo Sabres (2) 0.85%
14. Carolina Hurricane and Edmonton Oilers (1) 0.42%

That bodes well for free-agency this summer. How much will that piss off the anti-Leaf brigade?

What is an appropriate penalty for fighting?
1) 5 minutes (273) 97%

Would you rather see a fourth-line roster spot go to:
1) An enforcer (177) 66%

These guys must really like the enforcers on their team to close ranks and protect their jobs like this. Will this take the wind out of the fighting is useless brigade?

Would you consider a shorter regular season knowing it would mean 10 to 15 per cent less revenue from gate receipts?
1) No (175) 63%

Looks like players AND owners are just as greedy. A shortened season would be better for fans but who cares about them.

Who is the best player in the NHL this season?
10) Erik Cole, Pavel Datsyuk, Rory Fitzpatrick, Eric Goddard, Josh Green, Jarome Iginla, Mike Modano, Ryan Miller, Brian Rolston and Henrik Zetterberg (1) 0.38%

How did Rory Fitzpatrick's mom get a vote?

Who is the most respected player in the NHL?
7) Teemu Selanne and Mats Sundin (2) 0.76%

Guess who was not on that list? Your Swedish Captain but he shows up on a later list ;)

Who is the most overrated player in the NHL?
10) Darcy Tucker (2) 1%
11) Daniel Alfredsson (1) 0.5%

Sure, the Leafs have FOUR guys in the top 10 (McCabe, Kubina, Gill (?!), and Tucker) but it is worth it to see YSC's name in there.

What’s the best thing about your job?
9) Women (5) 2%
10) Naps (3) 1.2%

I agree, naps are awesome but so are women. If you figure that Pronger is one of those five votes, who had the rest? Despite Spezza's vote, giggling was not listed.

What’s the worst thing about your job?
12) Backchecking (2) 0.81%
14) Cam Janssen (1) 0.4%

These answers are the easiest to identify: Alex Ovechkin, Alex Semin, and Tomas Kaberle.

Conspiracy Theory

I watched that movie this past Sunday (so it was broken up by mini-naps) and clearly we have a case of life imitating art tonight as every team competing with the Leafs won. Here is some proof of the shenanigans going on in what can only be an attempt by the NHL to keep as many Canadian teams out of the playoffs. Something is definitely rotten in the NHL.

Washington 3 - Carolina 4: Washington scored those three goals on 10 freaking shots. Did Hanlon issue a no-shooting decree? This is a team that features Alexander Ovechkin and Alex Semin. Those two combine for 10 shots on a freaking shift. They have 593 shots between them this year. That means that they average 8 shots a game by themselves.

New Jersey 1 - Tampa Bay 3: Brodeur allowed 2 goals on 7 shots in the third period. Are we supposed to believe that a player that is well on his way to becoming THE greatest goalie in NHL history could not shut down the Lightning? Add in that the Devils are in danger of losing the division to the Penguins and something stinks.

Pittsburgh 1 - NY Islanders 3: The Penguins are within spitting distance of a division title and yet their vaunted powerplay goes 0-6 against the 19th ranked penalty kill? Not only did Crosby get shut out but Malkin missed a penalty shot! Pittsburgh won 75% of the neutral zone faceoffs but only 37% in the offensive zone. Pretty clear that they were trying not to score tonight. The league is really stretching reality with this one.

Montreal 6 - Boston 3: Maybe Gary Bettman was not clear in his memo that the losses have to at least look believable to a casual observer because the sad-sack Bruins clearly missed that part. After two strong periods gave them a 3-2 lead heading into the third the Bruins realized that they had to lose. They showed their intelligence by picking the most understated way possible to cough up the game: FOUR GOALS ON THE ONLY FOUR SHOTS OF THE PERIOD! Tim Thomas' bank account probably shows a hefty deposit, oh, sometime around 9:20pm.

Sure, that last one has a Canadian team winning which might seem like a hole in my theory (note, how Calgary is also on the verge of an epic collapse while teams are suddenly losing to the Avalanche like they are actually a good team) but the truth is that the Habs are a terrible team and will choke their playoff spot away anyway. Their wins serve to unsettle the Leafs since they know that they cannot miss the playoffs again while les habitants qualify.

And what of Vancouver and Ottawa? Well they have the biggest bandwagon fans. They'll be done with the playoffs once their teams are eliminated in the first round. Sorry Vancouver, no shootouts in the second season. My bad Ottawa, Gary Roberts will be around to haunt you.

And that brings me to the ultimate goal of this Bettman-led conspiracy: To kill Canada's pastime. Sure, his previous moves have been far from subtle - overexpansion, two lockouts, a TV contract with Versus - but he is clearly onto the understated part of his Machiavellian scheme. By ensuring that the playoffs lack a Canadian element beyond the first round he is making sure that the second season will continue to get laughable ratings. One more element in his grand plan to help out his first love, the NBA, but tonight I am blowing the lid off of his scheme.

If Life Were Like That...

I wouldn't be writing a blog and I wouldn't need a VISA because I would just pay for everything with cash. In the grand tradition of internet tagging fun I am responding to Sherry's invitation to the BoO to partake in a little bit of make-believe (which pretty much sums up a Leaf fan's existence) and imagine myself as an NHL player. E at A Theory of Ice has a roundup of some of the answers so far in what has become an interesting insight on the personalities behind the blogs. Since I am looking at a deluge of snow outside my window now is the time to daydream:

Team: God's Team. The Toronto Maple Leafs for the uninitiated.

Uniform Number: 22

Position: Right wing on the top line - might as well dream big.

Nickname: Most inappropriate for printing but probably Hector.

Dream Linemates: Dougie at centre and Wendel on the wing.

Rounding out the PP: Kaberle and Mats

Job: Finishing Dougie's passes and riding shotgun to Wendel.

Signature Move: Cutting in off the wing and ripping a wrist shot high on the glove side. It might miss, it might get caught, but when it goes in, oh boy!

Strengths: Size, speed (In this alternate universe I still have the speed from my youth), and silky smooth hands.

Weaknesses: The Flamingo, Cherry would hate it but I would make up for it by teaming up with Wendel for the most fighting majors by linemates in NHL history.

Injury Problems: I'm fine, stop asking me. I wouldn't tell you anyway!

Equipment: Same as now but I would make Bauer bring back the Supreme 3030 Stiff Flex. Sticks need to be heavy!

Nemesis: I would be Old School. Anyone without a Maple Leaf on their chest would be my enemy.

Scandal Involvement: 'Sean, I have no idea how Elisha ended up in my hotel room but she is most definitely not the Girl Next Door.'

Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Since I would only be able to break the sens and Habs hearts in the first three rounds I would have to settle for one of the teams from Western Canada. I'll go with Edmonton.

What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: A month-long 5-city tour of the other Canadian NHL cities to share the moment with the Leafs legions of fans. Features of the trip would be Queen's We Are The Champions being in heavy rotation, large billboards of the Cup presentation being put up in highly visible areas, and an (Insert Canadian team) futility counter in front of each of the five arenas. Yes, if the Leafs win the cup I will be releasing a lifetime's worth of pent up rage.

Would the media love me or hate me?: They would love my grit, heart, Old School approach to hating everyone not on my team including any former teammates that would dare to leave, and my frequent dalliances with Hollywood's leading ladies (McAdams, Johansson, and Snow, Oh My!). Plus I would be a quote machine.

This should be a fun exercise for the boys during the break before the Name Game. I will tag Ninja, Bitter Leaf Fan, Wardo, J. Bluebud, and Andy and Matt in the hopes that they'll keep the game alive.

Officially Endorsed by Stephen Harper

A big thank you to Mirtle for pointing out that the Canadian government's Culture.ca site has taken a look at hockey blogs to try to explain 'Canadian Culture'. Yours truly made the list of Leaf sites but I had to laugh at the disclaimer:

Seeing that emotions can sometimes run high, some sites may contain provocative and inappropriate language for children, so parents and sensitive fans should be warned, particularly when accessing fan sites.

Considering that I follow the Leafs it is a testament to my self-restraint that this site does not contain anything remotely inappropriate. At all.

In other news, thanks to Zanstorm for giving Leaf fans everywhere another reason to love Rachel McAdams; she's a Leaf fan. I bet she was saying that O'Neill and Steen should be on Mats' wings. Talk about a complete package.

Here is the co-star of Wayne's World, Tia Carrere, in a Leafs jersey. And don't forget her co-star Mike Myers. The Leafs are like the Lakers of the NHL.

Great Team Talks in History

This is a classic video of a halftime talk by Leyton Orient's manager John Sitton during the 1994-1995 campaign. After seeing Maurice yelling during practice between the two Ottawa debacles what are the odds that his post-game talk on Thursday night sounded something like this:

That would certainly explain the massive difference between the effort against Florida and Saturday night's gem.

Stats Are a Fan's Best Friend

Sick and tired of trying to hunt down last night's stats? Are you in a pool and need better information? or are you just a fan that wants to see the bigger picture?

Now hockey fans have a new first stop in the morning in their search for statistics the hockey recap. James Mirtle has a bit of background on the site and here are Gary Cohen's words:

Hockey-Recap produces a 1-page report (for free) on a daily basis which includes the previous day's statistics, leaders and other important elements such as standings, transactions, injuries and quite a bit more. There are also pages for all players which include game by game extended stats for 2006-2007 and will soon have career stats. You can subscribe to the site and receive a copy of the report in your email each morning or you can simply visit the site. There will be enhancements to the site every week.

Gary is taking suggestions on how to improve the site so check it out, provide some feedback, and enjoy the quickest recap of the night's action.

The Good Ol' Hockey Game!

A special thanks to Odd Man Rush for tracking down this homage to Canada's game. For those of you accessing this site from work I suggest that you wait until you get home to check it out.